Wherever there is light, there is dark. Life makes us walk in the dark days, so we can appreciate the days that are full of joy. When the sun comes out, we always feel happier. You can find yourself just closing your eyes and letting the beautiful sunbeam shine on your face; it truly is magical. And even on the darkest of nights, the stars still twinkle. Sometimes we can just stop and stare into space, looking up into the vastness of the universe. The beautiful stars that twinkle give us hope and many of us make wishes on them.
Today is a dark day for me, but even though it's dark, there are still twinkles of light and hope. Every day that we are alive on this amazing planet, we need to remember that there is always hope. For the last four weeks, I have been taking Sarah to see specialists. I don’t know if this is the reason for her challenging behavior right now or maybe it's the fact that she’s struggling in school? Maybe it's because she’s just been diagnosed with dyslexia and maybe, just maybe she's struggling to get her head around that? How does that feel when you are only ten years old?
At seven she was diagnosed with ADHD, anxiety and oppositional defiance disorder, three years later it’s dyslexia. What does that do to a kid? I have no idea? I wasn't diagnosed with ADHD until I was 40, and although there was a sigh of relief, there was also a feeling of being slightly broken. Do I stop trying? Do I just leave things alone? Should I accept that she is who she is and stop trying to fix her? Should I just believe that the universe has my back and it also has Sarah’s back too?
Sometimes I get tired of the appointments, meetings and subject reading and researching. I didn’t think it would be like this when I held her in my arms as a newborn baby. The dreams, the plans, the ideas of how I thought it would be. It’s hard; damn hard. I spend my life telling people that ADHD isn’t a disability, but today, I question myself - is it a disability? Sometimes when you are in the darkness, your mind can play tricks on you. Fear does terrible things to a person.
But then I think of my own diagnosis and I ask myself; "Susy, do you think you are disabled"? "No God damn way," I say to myself! Having ADHD comes with so many amazing gifts, but when I look back on my life it's been chaotic, completely and utterly chaotic. Would I change a thing? No, not one. Not even stealing underwear from Ethel Austin - it's a store, not an old lady (I promise). I have done much worse than that, but I don't want to ruin my reputation so we will leave it there! Everything that has happened to me has made me who I am today. It wasn't the triumphs that shaped my character; it was the hardships. Every time I failed, or life got hard; I grew, I learned.
So today beautiful human, thank you for taking the time to read my blog and listen to my fears as I walk in the shadows. Thank you for being on this journey with me as having a different type of child is hard, so damn hard. It sometimes seems so much harder because we feel so judged. But I ask myself - "Are people judging me or is it just my perception, and I am only judging myself?
We live in a society where we feel that we need to fix everything. We feel we should be happy and living in joy and love and light every day, but sometimes it's ok to feel broken. It's ok to feel like you are walking in the shadows, we just have to remember to have 'faith'. We need to believe that somehow, someway, sometime; it will all work itself out. For now, I will trust in the process. I will put one foot in front of the other as I know that soon I will step out of the darkness and back in the light.
Peace, love & light (with a little bit of shadows)