For most of my adult life, I've been friends with fear. To the outside world, it doesn't look like I’m friends with fear. I seem confident, happy, enthusiastic, bright and shiny, but my inner world is often full of fear and self-doubt. I've always been the same. One of the only people who truly see’s my fear is my husband, but I’m not even sure that he fully see’s it - I hide it so well.
Three years ago we said goodbye to our beautiful family and my dearest darling friends. We packed our bags and left the UK shores with a four-month-old baby, a two-year-old toddler and a very challenging six-year-old daughter. We stepped on the plane and headed for a new life in Australia. I'd dreamt for years about how exciting and amazing this adventure would be for our family, but as we stepped onto Ozzie soil; I was greeted with my old friend ‘fear’.
Months later my eldest daughter was diagnosed with ADHD and again, holding my hand was fear and self-doubt. He told me I was a bad mother, a bad wife and it was all my fault. He said we should go back to the UK and that I couldn’t do it on my own; and I believed him. I found myself in darkness and even though I was blessed with endless sunshine and blue skies 'down under', dark shadows cast over my life, and I found myself depressed and anxious. I turned to anti-depressants to help, and they did help for a while, but I knew deep down, I had to do it by myself. During those times, I remember reading something that said:
'We are all broken, that’s how the light gets in’.
However, it would take me a while before I fully understood the true meaning of this quote. My brokenness was pulling me deeper and deeper into darkness. Even with the beautiful sun that rose every day, it felt like I was permanently living in the shadows. But with my new found friends, 'courage' and 'faith' now holding my hands, I started to see the light. We need to remember not to be scared of fear, even when it takes us to depths we didn’t even know existed. We can find ourselves feeling lost, isolated and afraid. In this place, fear can either grow or falter, but it’s up to us to say out loud:
"This isn’t how the story ends".
"This isn’t what I was brought here to do".
"This isn’t who I’m supposed to be".
If you and fear are currently the best of friends, thank him gracefully for his time, but tell him it’s now time for you to make friends with faith and courage. Faith and courage are there for you; you just have to believe! Do whatever you need to; listen to your heart, hear your intuition and go with your gut. Maybe you need to pick up the phone and talk with a friend, sit your partner down and tell them how you feel. Maybe you need to go for a walk in nature, go to a yoga class, learn to meditate, pray, or go and see your GP; whatever you feel in your heart. Stop and listen to it.
There are so many people living a beautiful, abundant and full life right now that only came from the darkness. We can dance with fear for a while, he can break down our ego’s and change the course of our life, but we must remember that we can't stay there forever. We all have the power right now to become friends with courage and faith, but we have to listen to them and stop listening to fear. Out of my brokenness came our family’s story.
Our story is learning to live, love and laugh with ADHD and the key word here is 'learning'. Because we are learning something new every day and I feel it's my calling in life, to share this with others. Out of our darkness came a light, a light so beautiful, that it became a miracle. I want to share our story with as many parents as possible. I want to reach out to as many mamas as I can. I want you to know that it’s ok if your life is in total turmoil right now, it’s ok if you don’t know what to do next and you’re fearful of the future for you child, your family and yourself.
Everything you are going through right now is here to teach you something, but you will never get that miracle if you stay friends with fear. Fear will make you believe things that aren't true. It would take me an eternity to tell you all the fears that I had, but at the very worst of it, I found myself googling ‘devil possession in children’. I'm so happy and grateful to say that two years after that point, my beautiful daughter is now doing great! She's still very determined, strong-willed and challenging, but she is amazing and the most beautiful of lights! Dislike towards her has been replaced with abundant love, and I am so grateful for this every day.
I want to share my story with you; I want you to have the same ending as us. I want you to stop making friends with 'fear and self-doubt' and to start becoming the very best of friends with 'courage' and 'faith'. We all have the ability to do that and the sooner you do, the sooner your life will change.
Sending love and light with 'extraordinary' courage and faith.